Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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