you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god