The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
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In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.