I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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