My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
