What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
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I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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