I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
