god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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