Pants 0. Shit 1.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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