I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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