So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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