Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
