You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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