You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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