did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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