Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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