I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
