I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
