there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
