its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
