Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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