This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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