found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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