I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
