We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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