3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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