If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
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You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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