If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
