I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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