Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
