You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
