Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
