Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
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Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize