I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
