it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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