he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The struggles of a small town man whore
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
