there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
never play flip cup with pint glasses
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i came on her dog
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
