she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
