sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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