I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
