I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
