drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
