just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
