There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
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there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
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thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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