They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
