someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
