I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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