I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
