i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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