So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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