I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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