i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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