I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me