the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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