i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
