I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
