Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
