U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
