dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
