We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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