I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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