"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
