So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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