so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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