Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
